Even though you may terminate the intimate relationship with your partner, if you have children together you must continue to relate for your lifetime as co-parents. This can be quite a difficult role to transition into, and the challenges often reveal themselves during the holidays. Whether you are recently separated, or are still working out the dynamics of co-parenting, here are a few tips to consider that may help to make this holiday season more pleasant and manageable for you, your children, and your co-parent.
Are You Recently Separated?– If this is your first Christmas since the separation here are a few tips especially for you.
- Empathise with children. The first holidays after a separation are always difficult for everyone. Anticipate that your child/ren may have some sadness or anger and allow them the space to express these. It will help you to hear their feelings if you reject the temptation to interpret their expression as blame or a reason for you to feel guilty about the separation. Seek professional help for your child if you honestly find yourself struggling in your capacity to support them.
- Plan a FUN-time for yourself. Do this especially for any period of the holidays when you may not be with your child. Invite over friends, visit your own family, or plan a trip, do something different that will engage you socially and emotionally and protect you from any feelings of sadness than can overwhelm you for your first holiday without a spouse and the children.
- Be Flexible & Open to New Different Traditions. Although some consistency is good, avoid getting stuck in wanting to do the holidays the way you always did. Inflexibility blocks negotiations with your co-parent and raises the tension in the family. Additionally, frustration and disappointment is inevitable when the efforts to keep things “as they were” fail, because … things have changed. Your children are struggling to accept these changes so your denial of this will only confuse them. One common compromise divorce parents use is to celebrate the holidays on different non-traditional days. Relax; there is no Parenting Santa who will judge you as ‘naughty’ if you celebrate Christmas on New Years.
Developing a Co-Parenting Holiday Schedule
Effective scheduling is a key task in managing the multiple demands of the holiday season.
- Plan the holiday schedule in advance with your parenting partner and put the agreement in writing (email or electronic calendar).
- Ask your children how they would like to spend their holidays. This does not mean that you arrange everything to please them; the final decision is between you both as parents, but involve them in the decision-making.
- Talk with the children about the holiday schedule. Let them know the details. Children want to know who will take them, where they will go, what they will do with that person, how long they will be with them, and how the transitions will occur.
- Be on-time and honour the commitment you made to the other parent. Cutting into the other parent’s time is devaluing your child’s excitement about their time with that parent. If unexpected changes occur please give the courtesy call a.s.a.p.
Common Parenting Schedules:
*Parent A has children Christmas Eve morning to mid-day Christmas Day. Parent B has children Christmas Afternoon to Boxing Day evening (and some alternate each year)
*Parent A has children for Christmas; Parent B has children for New Years.
*Year 1 Parent A has children for Christmas holidays, Year 2 Parent B has children for Christmas holidays. (This is especially relevant if parents are now living a great distance apart).
* Parents A & B have shared and separate times with the children over the holidays. This is the exception but does occur. I do not recommend this if the separation is recent or there is a pattern of conflict between parenting partners.
Parenting is a lifetime commitment which you will share with your ex forever. Whatever arrangements you make for the holidays should bear respect for the fact that the other parent will always be your child’s parent.
Happy Holidays!
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Contributor:
Tania Bryan is a child and family therapist at Help for Families Canada-Counseling and Consulting. She has extensive and diverse experience working with children, youth, and families for over 20 years in professional and voluntary sectors. Leading with a Masters of Arts in Counselling Psychology from Simon Fraser University, Tania also brings her qualifications of a Bachelor of Science in Social Work and a Teachers Certificate in Special Education to inform how she supports and advocates for children and families in her private practice as well as in the community.
Tags: first christmas, first holiday, holiday season, parenting
